"CWACWIFBAA" (thanks to clickandcrash for the title)

i had another "conversation with a child who is fast becoming an adult." like most of our serious talks this one came without warning. one tuesday evening, two weeks ago he asked if i was going to cry again like i did the night before. he was referring to that incident when i had to compel myself to cry just so i would cease feeling numb. recent developments had an anaesthetic effect on me that i had to induce myself to laugh or to scream or to cry. i succeeded in stimulating my lacrimal glands still unacquainted with the state of emotion that drove me to shed tears. it roused him from sleep even if i tried to muffle my sobs by burying my face under the pillow.

and so the following evening while he was watching tv and i was preparing our vegetarian dinner he asked that question. it dawned on me that while he was privy to my moments of grief i had left him in the dark as things started to get better. i put my cooking on hold and sat beside him. i said, 'no, mommy's not going to cry tonight. mommy's feeling okay." he noticed that i had been smiling a lot that evening so i told him that it was because i was revelling in the encouragements, affirmations and pledges of support i received from so many people that day. what he asked next had taken me aback, "are sure you can trust them?" he had that cynical look on his face that made me anxious.

he talked to me about trusting people, or the reverse of it. he said i couldn't just trust anybody, that it was what i did with "bleep" and because of that trust i didn't recognize i was being deceived. and i didn't know 'backstabbing' was already part of his vocabulary. he reiterated i couldn't trust anybody, not even him.

he wouldn't elaborate on why i couldn't trust even him. over dinner we carried on the conversation. i couldn't just drop the topic because it has worried me. eversince he was a baby i instilled in him the value of trust but apparently cynicism has rubbed on him already. he then told me life is like one of the wrestling matches he saw: three women went up to the ring, amiably chatted with one another then suddenly one woman kicked the one next to her and that commenced the brawl. of course, a wrestling match follows a script; every kick, punch or spring jump, every dodging, every fall, is choreographed and well-rehearsed. and he knows that.

it was difficult to teach about trust when he had witnessed betrayal and deception. the difference now is that he doesn't blame me anymore but warns me instead. his mind is remolded and reshaped by everyday experiences, he's probably getting confused. trust vs. mistrust. the only thing i could tell him was that trust is still the essence of any good relationship between or among people. taking off from his observation, i told him he could always begin with trust, then choose the people he can have faith in. if some people fool him along the way, then he would know those human beings don't deserve to be trusted. it was good to hear his misgivings about some people, not only did i learn from him but i also got an opportunity to explain to him that when caught in the middle people choose between right and wrong, nobody remains a fence-sitter. the one who chooses to be on the right is the one to be trusted.

it's sad that he no longer is the kid who used to be just inquisitive. he is now weaving life with his experiences as well as mine and begins to see life's intricacies. again, i realized he's growing old very fast. it's sadder because what he is witnessing is the downside of life and the reality is magnified because things happened within his own abode. two separations, two dads lost, two deceptions, a sorry mom, and he was always in the middle of it. much as i tried to shield him from adults' idiosyncrasies i could not escape his keen senses and insightful mind.

sometimes it's frightening to imagine that with the things that he knows now my kid might grow up an angry person, a pessimist or an imperfect perfectionist. the only consolation i have is that he articulates his views and unafraid to express his opinions. at least now he is capable of expressing his anger or mistrust or grief or happiness or even kilig when he sees his crush. young as he is i learn a lot from him. i realize everyday that he is part of me and i am part of him. whatever happens to me can make or unmake him in the future and even at his age his views matter. at times i have to look at things from his perspective. there's so much to learn from the wisdom of a child. our conversation ended with me saying that i trust him because he is a good and intelligent child. he also said he trusts me.

If you are wise, smile. :)

"Laugh: a smile that bursts." - John E. Donovan

"The key to being popular is to keep a smile on your face." Abigail Van Buren

"Smiles are richer wealth than tears." - Anon

"One may smile, and smile, and be a villain." - William Shakespeare

"It's difficult but rewarding....To smile when others are complaining." - William Arthur Ward

"To smile at the enemy is to disarm him." - The Mother

"Keep smiling. It makes everyone wonder what you are up to." - Unknown

"If we do meet again, why, we shall smile! If not, why then, this parting was well made." - William Shakespeare

"A smile says many things. It says you're happy. You're confident. You're feeling secure." - T.W. McKnight & R.H. Phillips

"The mere possibility of employing laughter as a weapon shows that it involves the idea of power." - Harald Hoffding

"A guilty conscience needs no accuser." - English Proverb (smile here)

may mga alaalang hindi ka iiwan. kahit anong gawin mong pagtalikod ay hindi aalis. kahit tumakbo ka palayo ay hahabulin ka pa rin. mga alaala ng mga tao, bagay o mga pangyayari na gusto mong talikuran pero hindi pwede. minsan aakalain mong nakatakas ka na dahil wala ang mga bakas o mga anino, walang mga palatandaan, walang mga litrato, walang mga sulat, pero isang araw mararamdaman mo na lang na nandon pala, nahihimlay lang sa likod ng isip pero patuloy na nag-iimpluwensya sa mga araw-araw na kilos o gawa, sa mga desisyong binibitawan. at isang araw maiisip mo hindi pala dapat takasan ang alaala o isiping sana hindi yun nangyari, dahil kahit anong gawin mo para makalimot ay pasundot-sundot na papasok sa isip mo, at minsan sa kunsensya.

may mga nangyari, may mga taong nakilala na hindi sinasadya, mga bagay na nagawa na akala mo ay tama dahil masaya ka nong gawin mo yon. pero nangyari na ang lahat. nagawa mo na ang hindi dapat. mga alaala na lang, nakalipas na, paulit-ulit na mababalikan pero hindi na mababago.

numb

no pain, nor sorrow, nor joy, nor love, nor regret, nor anger, nor weariness, nor grief. naught. just plain numb, but breathing.

wiseact.com

kakauwi pa lang ng office namin mula sa isang retreat-cum-team building. for lack of adequate term daw eh eto na lang ang tawag kasi nagmula lang to sa napansin ni vivian na pagod ang mga tao at mabababa ang spirit, drive, etc. at kailangang may activity na gawin para bumalik ang gana ng mga tao na magtrabaho with the usual enthusiasm. fr. nonong pili, our retreat master-cum-team building facilitator (tawagin daw namin syang pads)came up with wiseact.com. C for consciousness, O for organization at M for mission. yun yung tatlong aspeto na uuriratin sa dalawa't kalahating araw.

spiritual ang ginawang approach ng wiseact.com. intro pa lang eh nagtanong na si pads kung lahat ba daw eh christian. eclectic kami eh, may christian, may taoist, may agnostic, may would-be-atheist, may cosmic. at karamihan ay comic. so ginawa nyang katanggap-tanggap sa lahat yung konsepto ng god. at mas importante, hindi nagpatali sa lalaking diyos. may paradigm shift na daw sa konsepto ng diyos, di na daw yung dating hiwalay ang diyos sa tao kundi god lives among us daw. at eto pa, eh katagal na palang dineklara, at least ng catholic church, "that god is a father but above all god is a mother."

pero sa kabuuan di naman talaga usapin ng diyos, mas usapin pa ng 'becoming fully human' na magsisimula sa pag-observe ng sariling consciousness, being aware of what's going on inside the self and which result to shifts in attitudes and relations.

wiseact.com brought out the better in each one of us. i'd say 'the better' kasi ngayon pa lang kami nakapasok sa loob ng aming mga sarili to give ourselves 'loving attention'. nagkaron kami ng chance to be quiet, observe our feelings without reacting, and eventually see reality as it really is.

may small-group sharing na bawal mag-judge at mag-advise; ang pwede lang gawin ay acknowledge, accept and assimilate kung anuman yung nai-share ng bawat isa. ang hirap, actually kasi we know a lot about one another already pero ang dami pang di namin alam sa isa't-isa. sabi ko nga nung plenary na, it was difficult to just listen and refrain onself from asking kasi di namin alam kung acknowledgement ba yung tanong namin or if were we just being nosey.

may mga moments of silence. focusing yun, para nga madinig namin kung ano ang sinasabi ng mga sarili namin. mga 5 minutes lang of silence, may mga nahirapang magconcentrate kasi ang daming ibang pumapasok sa isip, dala ng habits of the emotion and the mind. daming realizations ng mga tao, ang lalalim. may mga inner child pang pinag-usapan. ako simple lang insight ko, that beyond transcendence, yung makalampas sa tragedies ay kailangan din ng integration ng sarili afterwards, then one becomes fully human. hmmm....di yata simple, mahirap din yata yon.

the best part of it was yung tatlong sunod-sunod na activities. the first was when we were asked to write positive things about each one, mabilisan, one minute, spontaneous dapat. it was meant to affirm ourselves, nung basahin namin kung ano ang mga sinulat tungkol sa min eh para naming minamapa ang teacher's village at central district - matalino, maalalahanin, mabait, etc. kainis lang kasi naiwan ko sa room namin sa manor hotel southwoods yung sakin na plano ko pa naman ipa-frame. but i should list down some of the things i remember, "matalino, sweet, sharp mind, beautiful person, generous, mabait, 'the best', matapang, fights her own battle, strong-willed, good mom to kakai, nice, smart, knows and fights for her rights, lav u,i love you, i miss you, friends for keeps, masarap kasama, pasensyosa at di pa nakikitang magalit.' the last two made everyone laugh when i read it aloud.

after that we gave candles to individuals we wanted to thank or to say sorry. halos walang mga salitaan, puro yakapan at iyakan, tears of joy and gratefulness. isa ko sa pinakamaraming iniyak. tapos non, ang susunod ay paghingi ng forgiveness sa mga taong wala don, pero di daw kailangang sabihin. nag-sorry ako sa mommy at daddy ko dahil natitiis kong wag magpakita sa kanila, sa auntie kong namatay na hindi ko nadalaw, kay kahlil sa lahat ng dinadaanan nyang hirap dahil sakin, at nag-sorry na din ako in advance sa isang tao. pwede din daw magpatawad in silence. i took that opportunity, pero hiningi kong madinig ng lahat yung pagpapatawad ko kay mike at sa kuya ko. biglang napaiyak si malou, one of my best friends sa office, at niyakap ako, kainis daw kasi la sya balak umiyak but when i did it eh di na daw nya napigilan. once again, i receive words of affirmation, ang galing ko daw talaga. ako din, nagalingan din ako sa sarili ko.

wiseact.com was for each of us. sa may garahe, nalaman ko na sa group sharing eh ang dami din palang umiyak, pati mga lalaki. may kanya-kanyang insights, learnings, may mga epekto sa bawat isa that would make each one a better person. kanya-kanyang dating. basta sakin timing lahat. ah at ang isa pa palang nakakatuwa eh sa randon grouping eh nagkakasama-sama yung mga taong dapat na magsipag-usap, mga taong sa pagitan nila eh may invisible walls na nabuo which were broken nung nagsipag-usap usap na.

it was a very enriching experience, would change a lot of lives. enjoy ako, at salamat sa lahat ng andon. salamat din pati sa mga wala don na nagbubuo ng kung sino ako o ang bawat isa samin.

as for the organization, from southwoods manor hotel dire-direcho kami lahat sa office at nagsipagbukas ng mga computer, tawag sa telepono, may nag-meeting, trabaho na naman. pero walang ng mga nakabusangot.

"never believe the devil even when he is telling the truth"

gabriel garcia marquez

SEPTEMBER NA!!!!!!!!

ah, september na. at wala na kong maisip isulat. i'm simply elated at this very hour.

my life went downhill in the past few months because of the break up. year after year after year i have to face up to crisis that varies in intensity but crisis just the same. i'm not sure, but noticeably it comes with the rainy season. i thought i had already put an end to this cycle which i recognized some six or seven years back. as i think about it now the pattern continues but my ways of coping vary. fortunately, i still come out not unscathed but a better person each time.

whose life is always happy anyway? i realized everyone's cycle of life is like that, there tends to be a pattern of ups and downs. people deal with stresses and frustrations that may seem unbearable. and sometimes it happens that the gratifications are too little to compensate for the difficult times encountered. or sometimes they come in trickles that one can't recognize there are actually a lot of good things taking place.

not everything's settled yet, as far as the consequences of the separation are concerned. i wouldn't say the storm has completely passed. i still have a few more things in my list that i need to accomplish. but i'm picking up pieces of me. what's important to me now is i dared to die so i could come alive.

and as i had predicted things are gonna get better in september.

quotables

"The hardest thing to explain is the glaringly evident which everybody had decided not to see." - Ayn Rand, The Fountainhead

From Love in the Time of Cholera:

"The world is divided into those who can shit and those who cannot."

"You don't know the trouble you've gotten into with me. I'm a crazy woman from the insane asylum."