Thursday, February 23, 2006

almost there

i'm almost there. see? patience isn't one of my virtues so my new template is only half-done.

finished reading 'kokoro' last week. it's a story about a japanese man, sensei, who gradually turned mistanthropic. at first because he was betrayed by his uncle he trusted so much then later on because of his own betrayal to his friend who trusted him. sensei's friend took his own life after he learned that sensei was going to marry the woman they both fancied. although, that wasn't the only reason he committed suicide. for so long sensei's friend thought he was not capable of making things happen.

sensei's existence was devoid of life, he lived idly, didn't work (he inherited a fortune enough to last a lifetime) lost his passion for knowledge, hardly made any friends. "why did it take me so long to do this?" was a realization both sensei and his friend had. sensei towards the end of the novel decided to take his own life as well when he deemed everything has lost its meaning.

sensei committed suicide because of guilt. sure he was deceived by his uncle but at no part in the story was it told that there was another treachery committed against him by any other person. on the contrary it was him who deceived his friend, his wife and her mother, one after another. he was a true-blue coward. he knew he was at fault but refused to be contrite. or maybe he was, but too scared to admit to the people he had hurt.

for years he carried his guilt on his shoulder like jesus christ did with his cross. but instead of hating himself he hated humankind. so i think his mistrust and hatred of humanity was misdirected. he knew he did something contemptible but blamed other people for his actions. that's why i think he was never able to correct his mistakes, which made the person he loved, his wife, suffer a great deal albeit in silence. he was so adamant, did not even share his thoughts to his questioning wife that she had ended up thinking that she was the one at fault. oh that was a very convenient excuse for sensei.

in the novel, he was pressed to tell his story through a letter and consequently expose the betrayals. you'd think he finally had the courage? not so. i still think he was spineless. he took his life even before the letter was read. suicide,i believe, was his way of escape rather than penance. can you still put blame on a dead person? can you ask why? no more, and no way.

i too think about taking my own life. as i read the novel i too wondered why it's taking me so long to do IT. because it's not yet time. someday when i know that i've already done what i could and want to do i might just decide it is the right moment. but unlike sensei and his friend i don't have any intention of dying for the same reason they had. if i commit suicide it's because i'm already content with my life, reached my goals, no more responsibilities and know i've already lived a full life. am i almost there.... don't know yet, but i hope so.

I GIVE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

di talaga kaya ng powers ko makapgbago ng template!!!!

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

post valentine thoughts

a week before the valentine's day isip ako ng isip kung pa'no ang valentine's day sakin last year, considering that it was the first time after five years na meron akong karelasyon. i could not remember it being special or romantic. it's not like me to celebrate valentine's day. buti natatapat ako sa mga karelasyon na either walang pang-valentine o hindi maka-valentine which made it easy for me so i need not pretend or force myself to celebrate.

going down the stairs this morning, i saw a bunch of roses my sis' boyfriend gave her and so i recalled that kai actually gave me a rose last year because my brother told him to. otherwise, hindi naman nya maiisip yun on his own.

yesterday over lunch at the office, one of my colleagues kept muttering we're not loveless because we have our children. then i bluntly asked, "are you justifying not having a date today?" she said no, just stating a fact. ho-hummm. i got texts and personal greetings but i couldn't get myself to greet people back, it was easier with texts kasi pwede namang forwarded message.

i don't believe in valentine's day. i just think that one does not need a special date to express one's love. everyday for me is love day. one does not have to choose a day or time of the year when one says 'i love you' to a loved one, whether they're our parents, children, friends or sweethearts (but mostly, sweetheart). dala na rin siguro ng pagiging ex-actibista kaya kasama na sa dahilan yung commercialization issue.

ma-traffic, maingay at puno ang restaurants pag valentine's day. and i hate crowds. pati motels fully booked pag ganong araw. which reminds me, ngayon ko lang na-gets yung text ni richie na "buti na lang 2 lang kami ni i s bhay". valentine's day is also the time na kahit pagkaganda-ganda, pagkamahal-mahal, pagka-elegante at sobrang bagay sa'yo ng damit mo eh baduy pa din magsuot ng kulay pula.

but then, sa totoong buhay eh i have one simple but pressing reason kung bakit ayaw ko ng valentine's day which i admitted to my colleagues in the office yesterday. kasi hindi ko alam talaga ang tamang greeting, happy valentine? happy valentine's? happy valentine's day? the last one is too long. so ano ang maiksi? somebody said, 'happy valentine' like "hapy new year".

which brings me to other things which got me confused like i never used the idiom "add insult to injury". it was only in october last year that i was finally sure it wasn't "adding salt to injury" (ask richie, she knows the difference). o yung tinatanong ng pari before the actual kasal when he asks if there's anyone who is against the union to say it or to "forever hold your peace/piece."

for so many years i pronounced shepherd sheFerd because of the ph-f rule, yun pala eh exemption ang shepherd. so you say it with a P. cada-ver or ca-daver. broc-coli agains brocco-li. respit or respayt for respite.

so yun, kaya pala ayaw ko ng valentine's day.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006


a good sign of aging is when you're getting bored kahit ang dami-dami namang tratrabahuhin at kung anu-ano na tuloy ang napapansin mo...

1. ahas sa maynila - every week na lang ay may nahuhuling ahas sa iba't-ibang lugar dito sa manila. ano't nagpuntahan na dito ang mga ahas? dito na talaga balak manirahan?

2. e-mails - everyday i receive worm virus (may relasyon kaya yun sa ahas?) na nag-ooffer ng viagra and penis enlarger. WHAT DO I NEED THAT FOR????!!!! *#@^!%*

3. stampede sa ultra - the footages made me cry last saturday. task force ULTRA's report "They were exploited, manipulated and treated like animals" gave me goosebumps. at lalo na yung recommendations ng investigating team na puro wala namang kinalaman sa exploitation na sinasabi nila. even sadder eh nag-sorry daw si corpus last night sa pagsasabi ng ganon. huwat?

4. telefantasia and asianovelas - thank god for these soaps, ang aaga na umuwi ng mga asawang lalaki kasi nanonood din sila ng jewel in the palace at etheria (kapuso ako)

5. mp3 player - magastos sa battery, kahit alkaline pa gamitin. energizer does not keep on going and going and going...

6. hiv - siyet!! 11,000 na ang tinatantyang HIV positives, hidden population daw and the government has only 2400+ documented cases. nasan yung 7000+. isn't that scary?

7. libre - that free newspaper MRT commuters grab every morning have more ADs now than news. at hindi na rin nakakatawa ang horoscope nila.

8. libre pa rin - nilibre ako ni yhen sa C3 kapalit ng pakikinig ko sa kwento nya, haha. la pa sya pera kaya pinautang ko muna sya, kaso malayo na bangko sa ofis kaya di ako nakawithdraw, kaya pinautang nya muna ko ng ipapautang ko sa kanya para mailbre nya ko.

9. jeepney fare rollback - valentine's gift daw ng jeepney transport sector. never heard anything like this before. pero cool.

10. peso-dollar exchange rate - kelangan ko na talaga asikasuhin pag-open ng account habang mababa pa dollar, magtataas na naman daw by april. sayang naman pwede ko kitain.


Thursday, February 02, 2006

Code Pink