31 may 2007

kaninang alas-onse y media ng umaga hindi ako makapagtrabaho kasi nahihilo na ko sa gutom. ngayong alas-dose y media ng tanghali hindi pa rin ako makapagtrabaho dahil masakit ang tiyan ko sa sobrang kabusugan.

throwing caution to the wind

I first heard it from a cousin-in-law, that she was looking forward to joblessness and I envied her. After all, even if it was over ten years ago, who could afford to be unemployed when the cost of living was (and still is) continuously rising. This time it’s my turn to say, “I’m looking forward to being jobless.” I don’t think anybody envies me now. Our difference is that she had a husband who was earning more than she and her two kids needed, while I have a kid I am raising all by myself and no filthy rich husband or partner to depend on.

I’m probably not in the best state of mental health to be excited about joining the already high statistics of the unemployed and without a government social protection program that can help me still live a decent life while in between jobs. It’s going to be an adventure like no other. Being adventurous nowadays isn’t really sane, especially if I have to think of my son’s education and meet the growing demand of a metrosexual teenager. But there’s just a feeling of optimistic anticipation swelling inside me day by day.

I haven’t figured it out just yet but I intend to take a respite from working so hard in the past 12 years and striving so that I could earn more than what I and my son needed. It’s still too early to be exhausted from work and to have that burnt-out feeling but I am already there.

It isn’t good news for my son who has this persistent belief that we are in the middle of the economic stratum. It will surely disappoint him when he realizes that I (without consulting him, that is) decided to go one or two rungs lower down the economic ladder.

The hope I am leaving him is that this is just a temporary attack of insanity. I would simply like to experience the pleasure of reproductive work for one month. A week of getaway outside the city or the country, depends on what my financial and time resources would permit me, and the rest of the month attending to him. I will have to unearth the recipe book buried somewhere in the house and serve home-cooked dishes. I thought of doing manual laundry work, but with the pain I have on my left shoulder right now which I got from sliding five steps down the staircase at FDC yesterday, I see no delight in imagining it at the moment. I’d like to have the time to help him with his lessons; play monopoly or chess with him…. and listen to his stories.

If there’s anything good about all this now, it’s that I’ve stripped myself of anxiety of the future. It’s not entirely the i-don’t-care-just-go-with-the-flow attitude but the rigors of always making sure things are going to be okay and within my control, have in a way prevented me from doing quite a number of things I wanted to do in the past. Plus the dreadful insecurity of being cashless, the inability to go to the grocery on a whim just because Hunt’s pork & beans ad made me salivate or run to Dunkin’ Donut’s because it’s worth the trip…

So this time around, I’d like to liberate myself from all those concerns. I wish not to fret about not having enough in my bank account and just devote time to my kid.

soliloquy

sabi ng isang ka-opisina ko dun sa isa ko pang trabaho bilib daw sya sa mga nagba-blog... ibig daw sabihin eh marami silang time na naii-spare. gusto kong um-aray dahil sa halos araw-araw na pagsusulat ko ng posts two years back. eh hindi ko naman alam kung ang "bilib" na yun eh positive comment o short of saying na wala silang trabaho or pabaya sila sa trabaho nila.... kaya dedma na lang ako, either way, hindi ako flattered o guilty. mas guilty pa yata ako ngayon na hindi na ako nakakapag-post. nakakasawa daw mag-blog sabi ng isang kaibigan ko. sabi ni richie tinatamad sya, sabi ni i. eh di ma-access ang blogspot sa pakistan. sabi naman ni yhen, "len, ang tagal mo nang walang post."

may excuse ako, ang hirap mag-access ng blogspot ngayon. last time i tried to log in eh pinag-create pa ako ng google account at sa dalang kong magbukas ng blogs ngayon eh nalimutan ko username at password ko.

madami-dami na din akong naisulat, ayun inaamag sa mga journals ko at yung iba eh nasa laptop na kahit bitbit ko halos araw-araw eh puro trabaho naman ang naaatupag ko... at yun eh kung hindi ako naglalaro ng zuma at ng isang pang game na hanggang ngayon eh "kaboom" ang tawag ko dahil never kong nalaman kung ano talaga title nung game.

di bale, isang araw makakapag-post ulit ako. hopefully ngayong gabi.