eyed at banananarit...er, bananarit

it's official, tinatamad akong gumawa ng dalawang gender audit reports na dapat ay 10-pages each due in august. buti na lang at output oriented kami kaya kahit kinwento ko na sa boss ko na nakatitig lang ako sa computer eh okay na rin. basta kailangan ko mag-submit on time.

natutuwa ako sa mga nangyari sakin last week. dahil sa lungkot ay naalala kong magdasal, mag-text sa mga kaibigang every five to ten years ko lang makita, nakapag-swimming kami sa island cove ng walang kaplano-plano, natulog ulit kami ni kai sa bahay ng best friend ko, nakalabas kaming tatlo nila ayi at kai, nakakwentuhan ko si ge kahit maiksi lang, out na sa network na iniikutan namin na wala na naman akong karelasyon, natext ko ang ate ko ng happy birthday na may kasamang "love you", maaga na kong makatulog, my appetite is back, natutulog na ko ng maaga, wala na yung kunot sa'king noo, maliit na eyebags ko (yes i. pawala na eyebags ko!!), ang ganda ng dinrowing ko na para sa project ni kai sa reading kagabi at may kasama pang pambobola nya.

isang masayang nangyari eh nakita ko ulit si i at richie. the first time na magkakasama kaming tatlo eh papahiwalay pa lang ako sa karelasyon at nung nagkita-kita kami ulit eh sila na ang magkahiwalay. masaya ako sa usapang yon, kahit walang beer. mas maraming kwento eh galing sakin. may konting updates tungkol sa kanila. muka naman kasing nilaan talaga nila yung gabing yon para sakin.(?) marami akong natutunan, marami akong na-realize. maraming bagay akong nalaman na nagpasaya sa kin. pero parang ang usapan naming tatlo eh amin na lang yun. eh, ganon nga ba yon? nakalimutan ko na, basta, amin na nga lang yon.

salamat i. at richie sa pakikinig, sa pagse-share, sa mga affirmations, sa paghingi ng sorry na hindi ko in-expect, sa pagiging mature. you guys are great!!!

richie, sa sunod na labas natin ibang level na dapat no. batukan mo ko pag ganun pa rin usapan!!!! tutututututuut, umaandar na naman esp ko, parang alam ko na ang kasunod!!!

island cove, bacoor, cavite

buti pa kakai galing na maglangoy!!!!!!!!!!!!! i swear matututo ako maglangoy bago ko mamatay.

first greeting

maaga ako sa office ngayon at ang unang bati sakin, "blooming ka ngayon ah." sarap pakinggan hehe. thank you jay.

when vanity sets in

some three weeks back i felt so depressed. my immediate explanation was that i was having hormonal imbalances again because of my monthly period. and also that every year i would feel down around mid-may which heightens from june till july, then everything starts to fall into proper places around august and finally by september everything is back to normal. i've observed some years back that it's an annual cycle. it's the SAD that clickandcrash was talking about.

funny that after a day or two i think, i realized what made me sob one night and the morning after that. my colleagues asked if i was depressed. i said no but they said i looked ugly, "ang pangit mo ngayon." waaaahhhhh. it was my bad hair day!!!! i myself was feeling ugly that time and irritated that my hair was a mess. alarmed, because i hated being ugly, i looked at myself in the mirror and saw what was wrong. i was thin, my hair was getting dry, i had eyebags.....hmmm, time for make-over mission. but because i'm little broke at this time of the year i had to make do with was available, eskinol with avocado extract, a nivea cream that applied around the eyes, ice to close pores after deep cleansing, exercises, fruit diet, neutrogena mositurizer, get enough sleep, smile a lot. the facial treatment and the thai massage, warts removal and the hair treatment will have to wait until i've settled all my bills.

true enough i was beginning to feel good again. a fellow NGO worker i was chatting with during a discussion of the Laban ng Masa's version of TRG said i was "blooming" and i then could look at myself again in the mirror and say "you are beautiful".

i'm vain and i'm proud of it. i don't care about the cliche that "beauty is in the eye of the beholder", or the other cliche that "beauty is only skin-deep" and that the real beauty is within, to appease people who were not blessed with good looks. nah, that's just a pambobola from the pretty women in the showbiz industry who can easily tell others that the physical appearance is not that important, that what matters is how you see yourself. of course the look is important!! the physical appearance matters because that's what the first thing people see and people make impressions out of how one looks. but more than what people would say what matters is how i feel about myself. blame the society that puts premium on good looks that now i myself, uses the society's standard of what is beautiful. and i only feel comfortable when i know that i look pretty, that's when i start to feel good.

it's my morning ritual to look in the mirror and see if a beautiful person would appear in the reflection then i smile and say 'hello pretty lady". so that's what happened one day after sobbing and i looked and found a woman i hardly recognized, and that frightened me. whoa!!! that's when my vanity set in. my beauty regimen's been taking effect. i just have to put on more weight then i'll feel much, much better.

the good thing about being told "ang pangit mo ngayon" is that you know it's difficult to tell a not so goodlooking person "ang pangit mo ngayon!" even if they are your friends. people would rather be subtle or do it the round-about-way like you're hair is like this or that or will not just say anything at all. or worse, they talk behind your back.

nang mag-usap ang diyos at ang agnostic

scene: chapel ng st. joseph's college. tahimik na tahimik sa lugar at nakaupo lang sa isang pew si agnostic. maya-maya ay dumating na ang diyos.

diyos: O, napadalaw ka.
agnostic: oo nga eh.
diyos: tagal mo nawala ah.
agnostic: hindi ah, kelan lang yun.
diyos: ah yes, sa sacred heart church. o kumusta ka na?
agnostic: sus, alam mo naman eh. ikaw, kumusta?
diyos: ayos naman, natutuwa ako at naalala mo ko.
agnostic: aba, kelan ba kita nakalimutan?
diyos: ah oo ng pala, di mo nga pala ko nakakalimutan, pinagdududahan lang.
agnostic: huh? wag mo sabihing nagtatampo ka?
diyos: di ah. diyos ako no! superior ako sa'yo kaya hindi ako nagtatampo. o sige, let's get down to business.
agnostic: ay, nag-apura.
diyos: wrong again. may pasok ka pa at ang paalam mo eh magbabayad ka lang ng tuition.
agnostic: onga pala. so yun nga. alam mo naman kung bakit ako nandito eh.
diyos: anong gusto mong gawin ko?
agnostic: tanong diyos: di ba nagdasal ako sayo two years ago? so sinagot mo yun. bakit mo binawi?
diyos: wala naman akong binabawi sayo. di ba gusto mong maging masaya? you got it di ba?
agnostic: ah teka, di mo ba narinig yung kadugtong ng dasal ko nonn na maging masaya FOREVER?
diyos: alam mo, wala man akong katawan na pagkakabitan ng tenga eh nadidinig ko naman lahat ng sinasabi mo.
agnostic: so bakit mo nga binawi?
diyos: so feeling mo talaga binawi ko?
agnostic: (nag-iisip)okay, o sya hindi na nga. pinutol lang! hindi ba talaga pwedeng forever na maging masaya?
diyos: simple lang naman ang gusto mo eh, pero hindi mo kailangang madaliin. ang hirap sayo impatient ka eh. tell me, meron ka na bang hiniling sakin na hindi ko pinagbigyan? ever?
agmostic: (naka-pout ang nguso na iisip-isip) wala.
diyos: see. it will come to you, kaya lang meron ka talagang dadaanang mahihirap na bagay, kasama yun eh. kasi kahit gusto kong ibigay sayo yung gusto mo eh diyos lang naman ako at hindi tao. eh kelan ka lang naman nagdasal na gusto mo nang maging masaya, binigay ko naman agad. kaso, yung mga nangyaring mga bagay sayo at sa ibang tao bago ka nagdasal eh hindi ko na pwedeng baguhin. at lahat ng yun syempre may epekto sa mga nangyayari ngayon.
agnostic: so anong gusto mong sabihin? does that mean cut na talaga yung binigay mo?
diyos: ulit simple lang ang dasal mo, gusto mo lang maging masaya at kaya ko yun ibigay. but you will have to be patient. sino ba ang ayaw na masaya ka?
agnositc: yung klase ng saya na binigay mo sakin dati? at ibibigay mo yung eksaktong hinihingi ko?
diyos: hay talaga naman, okay na ko sa pagka-agnostic mo, pero grabe ang pagka impatient mo.
agnostic: eh kasi minsan-minsan lang naman ako humingi sayo eh.
diyos: alam ko. yung ngang nangyaring sa ferry boat sa marinduque, andon na ko at nagkita na tayo eh di ka naman lumapit.
agnostic: eh (kamot ng ulo) di ko naman inisip na sakop mo pa pati yung pag-aayos ng makina eh.
diyos: hindi nga, pero kaya kong sabihan yung kapitan ng barko na mag-send na lang agad ng distress call para di na kayo ninerbyos lahat.
agnostic: eh alam mo naman na sa mga ganong panahon eh mas busy ako mag-isip ng contingencies kesa magdasal.
diyos: pero mabuti na rin na di ka nagdasal noon, ang ingay-ingay nung time na yon eh sa dami ng nagdadasal.
agnostic: kita mo, nakatulong pa ko sayo.

SILENCE

agnostic: so pano na nga? pwede ba magbigay ka ng signs na magiging okay ulit ako?
diyos: okay ka naman na.
agnostic: i mean don sa request ko maging masaya na forever. and don't forget the FOREVER.
diyos: you will be happy, that i can promise. pero tanggapin mo lang na para maramdaman mo yung totoong saya eh minsan kailangan mong masaktan. your happinness will come to you, and once it's there you should be able to recognize and appreciate na yun na yon, and never doubt. pag nag-doubt ka, baka mawala ulit, baka hindi mo ma-enjoy.
agnostic: pag nag-doubt ako babawiin mo?
diyos: ay ang kulit mo ha, sabi ko nga na di ko binawi eh. i'm god, i'm magnanimous!! never akong babawi ng bagay na ikakasaya ng taong magaganda at mabubuti ang intensyon. pero like i told you, may mga human follies na nakakaapekto sa mga bagay na nangyayari sa inyo.
agnostic: pero pano nga, magbibigay ka ba ng signs?
diyos: i work through signs. basta pag anjan na malalaman mo. ganun naman style nating dalawa di ba?
agnostic: okay. thank you nga pala dun sa mga nakaraang binigay mo recently lang.
diyos: walang anuman, narecognize mo ba yung signs?
agnostic: oo, pero yung iba mukhang palpak.
diyos: ah baka iba yun, baka yung sinsabi mo eh immediate na sagot ko lang sa hinihingi mo kasi maliit na bagay lang naman. but i'm glad that you know how to appreciate the little things that you receive from me.
agnostic: gutom na ko.
diyos: ah, yan naman eh kaya mo nang solusyonan bilang tao.
agnostic: oo nga. kain muna ko. salamat ulit.
diyos: anytime. spread the Good News ha.
agnostic: hehe, i'll try. remember, diyos ka at tao lang ako. at agnostic pa.

bibili na ko talaga ng cellphone na may camera!!! i felt so kawawa na may magagandang lugar akong napuntahan sa leyte eh di ko man lang nakunan ng picture.

eto lang ang naiuwi kong image mula sa isang restaurant sa tacloban city.

pag di pa rin ako nakabili ng cellphone na may camera, gel pen na lang ulit. mahirap mag-drawing na parker ang gamit. at mini-sketch pad pala, para di ako nagdo-drawing sa likod ng resibo.

ayi at kai

these are the times when all i can do is reminisce about good times. one of those was seeing ayi and kai together. the first time ayi and kai met they clicked right away. ayi was perhaps a little shy but i think kai made her feel welcome at home. kai was so excited upon learning that ayi competes in tae kwon do and he thought she must be very brave. kai was admittedly scared of ghosts. to test ayi's nerve, he asked her to go to our room alone, to ayi's amusement.

that night they met ayi and romel were leaving for sagada, kai was leaving for baguio, and i was to stay home for the holy week. with a twist of fate we all found ourselves together in sagada. it was one good vacation we had, the laid-back life in sagada gave us all a respite.







funny thing in sagada i remember about the two were how they tried to combat their fright because the first place we visited was the graveyard. there's a picture of us three as we went around looking at the tombs. the place was eerie, i couldn't blame the kids if they almost broke my arms with their tight grips. there were other places we visited, the most exciting was the sumaging cave. this time the kids were very gutsy. it was an exhiliratitng adventure for all of us. i went nuts when our guide, biag, made ayi, kai and me crawl inside a narrow crevice telling us that it was a short cut. he and romel would take the longer route out of the cave because they wouldn't fit in the hole. obediently and carefully we went inside, kai first, then me, then ayi. it was just about three meters long. as we got out of the narrow opening we were startled to find romel and biag standing in front of us, grinning from ear to ear. that brought us all to laughter.

after that kai was so inspired to write his first journal. it was also in sagada that he decided he'd call romel daddy and ayi his sister. kai did not waste time proudly telling everyone he had a stepsister as soon as we got back to manila.

kai had always wanted an older sibling that he was so excited having ayi around. he was amazed to have learned that ayi's mom and romel managed to be friends. he couldn't believe it. he had met ge and from then on he would frequently asked if he could spend summer at ayi's place. the last time ayi slept over kai told me to let romel sleep beside ayi because they didn't see each other often.

last christmas i was touched when ayi said she wouldn't spend the whole christmas vacation at her aunt's place because, "sandali lang tayo magkakasama-sama" and when one saturday after a soccer game she opted to just have dinner and go to the mall on sunday with us, "para buong family".

there were just a few times that we were really together but those few times brought the two closer. once we all went to take ayi to fiesta mall at alabang to meet her mom. they were seated next to each other on the bus and they ceaselessly exchanged texts trying out kai's new cellphone. we were few seats apart but i could hear them talking incessantly.

the last time they were together was in marinduque. i think they had a little spat one night over who was sleeping on which side of the bed. ayi ended up sleeping beside romel in one bed and kai beside me in another. they were again in good terms the following morning. ayi had a good time teasing kai when she accidentally opened kai's inbox as she toyed with kai's cellphone, she found so many texts addressed to just one person. kai was so embarrased but wasn't pissed.

they didn't have a chance to be together after that. recently kai asked for a picture of ayi saved in his cellphone. ayi asked me to tell kai she misses him.

both kids are very sweet. intelligent and mature for their ages, cognizant of the idiosyncracies of the adults around them. one day, i hope they'd meet again and find themselves better and tougher persons than most of the adults they know.

i love you kai and ayi.

i'm raising an agnostic

kagabi pagkatapos ng hapunan tinanong ako ni kai ano daw ang iba pang paliwanag sa pagkakabuo ng tao. mabuti na lagn at bago ako nakasagot ay sinabi na nya na other than the story of creation. agad ko naman naibigay ang sagot ng big bang theory at yung theory of evolution. mas pinili nya ang theory of evolution ni charles darwin. naghahanda daw sya sa kanyang isasagot sa teacher nya sa araling panlipunan na nagtanong kahapon kung sino ang naniniwala na ang tao ay ginawa ng diyos. di daw sya nagtaas ng kamay. tinanong din daw kung sino ang naniniwala na ang tao ay binuo mula sa putik. di din daw sya nagtaas ng kamay. dalawa sila ng kaibigan nyang si marco na kailangang magpaliwanag ngayong araw na to kung paano nabuo ang tao. akala ko ay tapos na ang paliwanagan.

sumunod na tanong nya ay sino daw ang gumawa sa diyos. di na ko nagdalawang-isip, ang sagot ko, "ang tao". sino ba daw ang nauna, tao o diyos? sabi ko, "ang tao". paano daw yon. kailangan nya din daw kasi ng sagot para i-substantiate yung theory of evolution. sabi nya tumigil daw ang science sa pagpapaliwanag tungkol sa diyos. di daw to pinaliwanag. naalala ko tuloy na ganyan din ang tanong sa history class namin noong highschool na ano daw ang ugnayan ng science at religion na ang sagot ay kung ano ang di kayang sagutin ng science ay ipinapaliwanag na ng religion. last year din ay nagtanong si eman na 6 years old lang non kung sino daw ang gumawa sa diyos. ang sagot ko pa din ay "ang tao."

"pa'no yun mommy?" maikling paliwanang lang daw. so sabi ko na nung unang panahon na di pa nauuso ang relihiyon ay may mga nangyayari tulad ng mga bagyo, kidlat, tidal waves, lindol at kung anu-ano pang mga bagay na di kayang ipaliwanag ng mga unang tao. natatakot sila dito kaya nag-isip sila na baka merong supernatural being na gumagawa ng mga bagay na yon para parusahan sila, pero eventually ay naisip din nila kung may mga bagay na nakakapinsala sa kanila ay pwede rin silang humingi ng magagandang bagay. ano daw ang supernatural being sa tagalog. eh hindi ko alam, "basta sabihin mo supernatural being, maiinitindihan na yon ng teacher mo."

di ko pa alam if he could pull that one off with his teacher today. naisip ko lang kagabi na may epekto nga siguro sa kanya na may nanay syang agnostic at tatay-tatayang atheist. pero sabi ko nga lagi sa kanya, di kailangang may pinapaniwalaang diyos para maging mabuting tao. at di kailangang may kinakatakutang diyos na magpaparusa para umiwas makasakit ng tao. di ko naman sya sinabihang wag maniwala sa diyos. i'm still leaving it to him if he wants to believe in a god or practice his religion na pwersado nyang napasukan dahil kailangan ng baptismal certificate sa pag-enrol nya sa school. basta ang lagi kong bilin ay igalang ang buhay.

conversation with a child

last friday evening kai got a phone call from romel whom he still fondly calls daddy. first thing he asked was if romel was coming home. i supposed the answer was no. then he asked romel to watch 'war of the worlds' with us to which i instantly reacted against because i didn't want romel to be compelled to join us. it embarrassed me. next thing i heard was they were planning sunday lunch with romel. i didn't know if kai was asking my permission but i told him it was up to the two of them.

as soon as kai got off the phone he gave me a sharp and angry look. i asked why but he refused to talk to me. "was it something i said?" i asked. he shook his head. "was it something romel said?" a question that infuriated him more. then he finally broke off his silence, "bakit ka nagagalit kung niyaya ko si daddy na manood ng sine?" i had to explain that i wasn's angry but i felt uncomfortable with his invitation. but he wouldn't understand why so i just said sorry and let him feel his emotion. he went to bed without uttering another word while i stayed up till around 12 castigating myself for that boo-boo.

the following morning i woke up and saw him looking at me still with a long face. "go have some breakfast," i told him. he went down. after an hour or so he came back to our room and snuggled up with me. i knew his anger was over and i started to tickle him, the way i always do every saturday morning.

during lunch i told him we'd jsut watch the movie after the lunch with romel and that if his daddy wanted to join he was welcome.

kai: okay
me: so are you still angry with me?
kai: no
me: so why were you angry?
kai: it's okay now. nag-explain ka na. nagtickle na nga tayo kaninang umaga eh.
me: did you understand why i reacted that way?
kai: no. pero okay na. i forgive you.
me: so why do you forgive me now?
kai: i'm not angry anymore. gusto ko lang ma-feel mo what i feel when you don't forgive me pag may ginawa akong kasalanan. (looking at me) masakit di ba?

i smiled.

kai: mommy, ano nga ang to forgive sa tagalog?
me: patawarin
kai: yun, yon mommy. pinapatawad na kita. (he smiled then winked at me)
kai: ang sarap ng lunch natin no? parang breakfast."

we had sunny side-up, tuyo and dried pusit for lunch. but it was one lunch i enjoyed so much.