Monday, September 26, 2005

"CWACWIFBAA" (thanks to clickandcrash for the title)

i had another "conversation with a child who is fast becoming an adult." like most of our serious talks this one came without warning. one tuesday evening, two weeks ago he asked if i was going to cry again like i did the night before. he was referring to that incident when i had to compel myself to cry just so i would cease feeling numb. recent developments had an anaesthetic effect on me that i had to induce myself to laugh or to scream or to cry. i succeeded in stimulating my lacrimal glands still unacquainted with the state of emotion that drove me to shed tears. it roused him from sleep even if i tried to muffle my sobs by burying my face under the pillow.

and so the following evening while he was watching tv and i was preparing our vegetarian dinner he asked that question. it dawned on me that while he was privy to my moments of grief i had left him in the dark as things started to get better. i put my cooking on hold and sat beside him. i said, 'no, mommy's not going to cry tonight. mommy's feeling okay." he noticed that i had been smiling a lot that evening so i told him that it was because i was revelling in the encouragements, affirmations and pledges of support i received from so many people that day. what he asked next had taken me aback, "are sure you can trust them?" he had that cynical look on his face that made me anxious.

he talked to me about trusting people, or the reverse of it. he said i couldn't just trust anybody, that it was what i did with "bleep" and because of that trust i didn't recognize i was being deceived. and i didn't know 'backstabbing' was already part of his vocabulary. he reiterated i couldn't trust anybody, not even him.

he wouldn't elaborate on why i couldn't trust even him. over dinner we carried on the conversation. i couldn't just drop the topic because it has worried me. eversince he was a baby i instilled in him the value of trust but apparently cynicism has rubbed on him already. he then told me life is like one of the wrestling matches he saw: three women went up to the ring, amiably chatted with one another then suddenly one woman kicked the one next to her and that commenced the brawl. of course, a wrestling match follows a script; every kick, punch or spring jump, every dodging, every fall, is choreographed and well-rehearsed. and he knows that.

it was difficult to teach about trust when he had witnessed betrayal and deception. the difference now is that he doesn't blame me anymore but warns me instead. his mind is remolded and reshaped by everyday experiences, he's probably getting confused. trust vs. mistrust. the only thing i could tell him was that trust is still the essence of any good relationship between or among people. taking off from his observation, i told him he could always begin with trust, then choose the people he can have faith in. if some people fool him along the way, then he would know those human beings don't deserve to be trusted. it was good to hear his misgivings about some people, not only did i learn from him but i also got an opportunity to explain to him that when caught in the middle people choose between right and wrong, nobody remains a fence-sitter. the one who chooses to be on the right is the one to be trusted.

it's sad that he no longer is the kid who used to be just inquisitive. he is now weaving life with his experiences as well as mine and begins to see life's intricacies. again, i realized he's growing old very fast. it's sadder because what he is witnessing is the downside of life and the reality is magnified because things happened within his own abode. two separations, two dads lost, two deceptions, a sorry mom, and he was always in the middle of it. much as i tried to shield him from adults' idiosyncrasies i could not escape his keen senses and insightful mind.

sometimes it's frightening to imagine that with the things that he knows now my kid might grow up an angry person, a pessimist or an imperfect perfectionist. the only consolation i have is that he articulates his views and unafraid to express his opinions. at least now he is capable of expressing his anger or mistrust or grief or happiness or even kilig when he sees his crush. young as he is i learn a lot from him. i realize everyday that he is part of me and i am part of him. whatever happens to me can make or unmake him in the future and even at his age his views matter. at times i have to look at things from his perspective. there's so much to learn from the wisdom of a child. our conversation ended with me saying that i trust him because he is a good and intelligent child. he also said he trusts me.



Blogger click & crash said...

awww... don't mention it. :)

2:46 PM  

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