Wednesday, February 23, 2005


it's our first year and it feels good. labs and i look forward to growing old together but we knew from the start that not everything may be rosy between us. before jumping into a relationship we agreed to have yearly assessment and renewal of commitment to each other. it was the most comfortable arrangement we could come up with given our experiences with past relationships, not wanting to repeat the same mistakes and not wanting to hurt and be hurt again. today we asked each other if we wanted to continue, and we both said yes. (smile)

as i have said, it was not a bed of roses the whole time. we did have our share of spats. but the funny thing was that fights arose from the sincere intention of wanting each other to be happy. we realized it was not at all easy to always ask your partner what he or she wants to be happy. that sometimes leads to confusion and takes away the spontaneity in us. luckily, we have kept the communications line open and have made sure not to go to bed with bickerings unsettled. and we always express our appreciation even for the littlest things we do for each other.

we still have a lot to learn from and about each other but i'm optimistic that we will be able to make it through, in spite of a few irritants here and there. and because we both do not believe that a wedding is necessary to seal our commitment we eliminated separation as a recourse whenever we have problems. it's so easy to part ways, we were good at it. but it was not easy to find each other. so instead of wasting time on emotionally blackmailing each other that if things don't work between us we could always go on our own separate ways, we like to spend time designing ways how we can make our union stronger.

Friday, February 11, 2005

the agnostic me, sigh

the funny thing with being agnostic is that sometimes you want to panic and pray for divine intervention but you just can't because you don't know what to say, to whom to pray or where to pray. and when you can, you're not sure if there's anybody up there or down there listening to you. you dont know whether to close your eyes and clasp your hands close to your chest or look up in the sky or the ceiling. you dont know what to call the one you're praying to, god, lord, brother, father, sister, mother, bok, dre, almighty, etcetera, etcetera.

when you start to pray you just can't help shaking your head and think of yourself as a looney. you look around you and pray (yeah, pray) that nobody notices you because everybody knows you're agnostic. and it would be a such a shame. huh!

when you pray, you don't know if your entreaty would be heard and your wish granted. you'd think twice about going ahead or you'd just better get up and do your work and get things done yourself.

and when finally, you have decided that there's nothing to lose if you try and next thing you know you got exactly what you prayed for, then you dont know whether it was a really divine intervention or coincidence or just plain luck. hmmm...

so to pray or not to pray...hmmm, i'd rather not. well, if there's an omnipotent and omniscient being out there, she/he/it knows i'm a good girl...if that being can see me, and hear me, can read, understands english, knows how to use the computer, then that being would understand why i opt not to pray. that being would also know exactly what i'm asking for.

i'll know the result by monday. yeah it has to be monday, valentine's day!