almost there

i'm almost there. see? patience isn't one of my virtues so my new template is only half-done.

finished reading 'kokoro' last week. it's a story about a japanese man, sensei, who gradually turned mistanthropic. at first because he was betrayed by his uncle he trusted so much then later on because of his own betrayal to his friend who trusted him. sensei's friend took his own life after he learned that sensei was going to marry the woman they both fancied. although, that wasn't the only reason he committed suicide. for so long sensei's friend thought he was not capable of making things happen.

sensei's existence was devoid of life, he lived idly, didn't work (he inherited a fortune enough to last a lifetime) lost his passion for knowledge, hardly made any friends. "why did it take me so long to do this?" was a realization both sensei and his friend had. sensei towards the end of the novel decided to take his own life as well when he deemed everything has lost its meaning.

sensei committed suicide because of guilt. sure he was deceived by his uncle but at no part in the story was it told that there was another treachery committed against him by any other person. on the contrary it was him who deceived his friend, his wife and her mother, one after another. he was a true-blue coward. he knew he was at fault but refused to be contrite. or maybe he was, but too scared to admit to the people he had hurt.

for years he carried his guilt on his shoulder like jesus christ did with his cross. but instead of hating himself he hated humankind. so i think his mistrust and hatred of humanity was misdirected. he knew he did something contemptible but blamed other people for his actions. that's why i think he was never able to correct his mistakes, which made the person he loved, his wife, suffer a great deal albeit in silence. he was so adamant, did not even share his thoughts to his questioning wife that she had ended up thinking that she was the one at fault. oh that was a very convenient excuse for sensei.

in the novel, he was pressed to tell his story through a letter and consequently expose the betrayals. you'd think he finally had the courage? not so. i still think he was spineless. he took his life even before the letter was read. suicide,i believe, was his way of escape rather than penance. can you still put blame on a dead person? can you ask why? no more, and no way.

i too think about taking my own life. as i read the novel i too wondered why it's taking me so long to do IT. because it's not yet time. someday when i know that i've already done what i could and want to do i might just decide it is the right moment. but unlike sensei and his friend i don't have any intention of dying for the same reason they had. if i commit suicide it's because i'm already content with my life, reached my goals, no more responsibilities and know i've already lived a full life. am i almost there.... don't know yet, but i hope so.