valedictorian

hindi ako yan.

the highest award i got was third honorable mention and that was back in grade school pa. the other one was as spelling bee district champion being the only one to spell rendezvous correctly, i was 9. tapos la na ko matandaang citations na magaling ako o matalino ako. to my parents' dismay. :-(. kahit loyalty award eh wala ako.

got a grade of D in Pilipino in 3rd year high because i refused to join a class presentation tungkol sa Noli Me Tangere. never got exempted from taking final exams back in college, either. minsan lang ako nakalibre from English subject when i persuaded my professor to allow me to take the exam ahead of my classmates because i was going to taguig for an immersion program. he couldn't let me, but after looking at his class record and mulled over the number of my absences, he just decided to exempt me.

i loathed mediocrity but i didn't strive for excellence either. (yeah, i'm really full of contradictions). i've not been competitive. if at all, i only competed with myself. i didn't set lofty standard for myself, defying all expectations of me. i was content with meeting my own expectations and if i exceeded i would slacken and just enjoy my time.

early on din, i've realized that i'm a non-conformist, unafraid to go against the norms (i must have been infected by the patients in mental ward). i dared to be different even if it meant being isolated, but i relished my solitude. i enjoyed dining out, watching movies, all by myself. when phils. hosted SEA Games many years back, i went to watch the swimming competition alone. amidst the thundering cheers for pinoy swimmers, perched on the bleacher i solved my crossword puzzle. tingin ng tingin sakin katabi kong lalaki, na-weirdohan sya pero na-impress naman sa bilis kong magsagot ng crossword.

ganon lang ako noon hanggang ngayon, masaya sa sarili kong mundo. masaya na hindi pumalpak sa mga ginagawa ko, hindi nale-late sa mga deadlines at ma-congratulate ng konti for a job well done. i have simple joys. basta lang wala akong nilolokong tao eh okay na ko. of course, that doesn't mean wala akong nasasaktan. because i always speak my mind often with acerbic tongue and my attitude tend to be abrasive especially when dealing with people na hayyyy ang isip at ugali. although i've mellowed through the years. ilang beses na nga kasi akong napuna sa ganyan, kaya instead na maging prangka at mataray ay pinag-aralan ko na lang pano magtaas ng kilay habang nagsasalita.

masaya na din ako that people take me for what i am now. minsan nakakantyawan na flip by those who know where i spent my childhood. madalas nasasabihang maldita; my colleagues are fond of blaming me for the worst catastrophes, natural or otherwise, maliit man o malaki. bastusan na nga eh. ang nakakatuwa lang eh they don't forget to say good things about me. like etong mga huling pangyayari, buti na lang daw at magaling ako kundi eh sumabog na trabaho ko.

i am also content being an agnostic; the most spiritual and most religious of my friends do not dare contest me kung sinasabi kong nagda-doubt ako sa existence ng diyos. kahit na tumataas ang kilay ko pag sinasabihan akong "leave everything to god" ay ngingitian na lang ako and they would acquiesce and just believe that i know what i am doing and what i'm doing is right.

and with all the things that i have been through, i remain standing. the greatest of my achievements so far is raising a responsible and caring child. i always feel good whenever my son tells me i'm a wonderful mom. mabuti din na maaga pa ay nasabi ko na sa kanya that i am not a perfect person, that as an adult i also make mistakes. and that kahit bata pa sya, i can also learn from him.

i've had my share of boo-boos. what's important to me is i'm not afraid to admit if i did a mistake and learn from it. i am also always ready with "i'm sorry", but i only decide to drop those two words when i know i am really rueful at handa akong wag na ulitin kung anuman yung mali o masakit kong nagawa.

i take pride being in control of myself. even when i'm undergoing catharsis still i never lose my rein. i also don't mind it if people don't recognize the strength of my character so long as they don't tell lies about me. kasi ako ang prinsipyo ko, if i have nothing good to say about a person, i don't say anything at all. at lalong ayoko when people lie to me. but when they do, i have an option to fight back and let the truth out or kung di naman masyadong damaging eh kakaawaan ko na lang yung ganong tao. in the end, whatever bad things a person does against another person would always backfire at him or her. basta dapat ang ending eh good triumphs over evil. kaya ayokong nanloloko o nang-aapi o nanggugulang ng tao. i live to be happy, i live to enjoy life, but i also respect other people's right to live and to live happily.

sa ganitong paraan wala man akong medals, di man ako valedictorian, i know gagraduate ako sa buhay with flying colors.