how time flies

i remember that as a child i used to play with dolls though i cant quite recall if i had any favorite or what my dolls looked like. but it's still vivid to me how as a young girl i would role-play as a mom of a young baby. i was very protective because in my role plays there would always be a storm and i would wrap my doll with cotton cloth, and with an umbrella pretend like we're braving heavy rains together. i remember clasping the doll close to my chest, tight enough so it didn’t slip off my left arm, but not too tight so it didn't suffocate. My left hand would carry a basket of goods while I would always hold an umbrella with my right hand.

i always found myself in awful times with my doll. storms, earthquakes, fire…and always there were just the two of us. i didn’t think of having somebody to take the role of a dad, it never entered my mind that i needed one. but i always knew that I was going to be the bestest mother of my child.

as i grew up i would tell my friends i didn’t want a husband but longed to have a child that i would raise all by myself. i pictured it would be a beautiful and intelligent baby. i can’t quite recall if i wanted a boy or a girl. But even when i played with a girl-doll (I think other than Ken, male-dolls were unheard of at that time), its gender did not really matter. but when i thought of a name, i only came up with masculine one.

time flew and now I have my own kid, beautiful, intelligent, loving, precocious kahlil. when i watch him sleep i can’t help reminiscing the happy times with my doll. we always survived those make-believe awful times. Looking back, I realize how those times reflected the life I would have with my son now. I can’t tell whether it was a presage of my future as a mother or that I had designed my life now exactly how I envisioned myself way back.

If I had to believe in symbols, the many tragedies I went through imitate the storms i confronted together with my doll. the absence of a father- figure probably portend my current state of single-parenthood.

I easily spotted the semblance of my role playing when I left my then husband after finding out about his first mistress. I left the house with kahlil who was barely a year old then. I had P1750 in my pocket, jobless and with no definite place to go. I had him on a peach baby-carrier, the ones that moms would put on the shoulders and resembled a kangaroo pouch. I had big bag on my left shoulder which contained diapers and milk bottles i needed during the trip, while tugging a large gray suitcase which I borrowed from my ex. The suitcase contained the few clothes I owned, feeding bottles, baby clothes, toys and books. It didn’t feel like it was the first time I was doing it.

That was when I went home to my parents in the province. But because I needed a job I had to go back to Manila before that year ended to look for a job, again my baby in tow who was then a year old. From then I had to face up with adversities and by stroke of luck or perseverance got us to where we are now.

Through those adversities kahlil would always be by my side. We protected each other. All those years that I had to find ways so we could live comfortably he was always there to try to make it easy for me. He has gone from wanting to be an actor so he could earn income to as far as expecting Leonardo di Caprio or Raymond Bagatsing at our doorstep so i could have a boyfriend and need not be alone anymore.

i had to earn a living by doing freelance research work, always i would have kahlil with me. at three, he went with me to remote barangays in batangas. while i interviewed my informants he would play with other kids. he was still in diapers then, when i went to municipal halls to ask for government documents we would sneak to the toilet so he could change diaper or relieve himself. if it took too long to prepare the papers i was asking for, the employees were good enough to accomodate us and find a place where he could rest his head on my lap as he drank his milk. after that short break we would take long walks to get to bus terminals under the scorching heat of the sun or inched our way in covered sidewalks to avoid getting soaked in the rain. i remember one time when i allowed my tears to drop as soon as the rain fell out of pity for kahlil. to these days, it would still make me cry when i retell it to kahlil, but proudly this time.

more years have passed and he's a grown kid now. he's experiences have humbled him. he knows that he's living a confortable life but he's aware of what we both had to go through. the past have made him grow up faster than he should. he's an old man in young boy's body. he can weigh things, he makes decisions and suffers consequences for the wrong ones. he would despair at one time but would rise again and always find a way out of his troubles.

he knows when i'm sad. he knows when i'm lying to him. he knows when i am troubled. he could even reprimand me if he knew i did something not right. he questioned my post, 'the agnostic me". he had thought that because i refuse to believe in god made me an evil one. but he understood my brief justification and now respects my choice to be agnostic.

my friends, my colleagues and their children, his friends are very fond of him because of the happy and responsible disposition that he has. while he is carefree with himself he is careful not to deliberately hurt anybody. my dad once told me that he could already see what kahlil would be like as a grown person and he's not worried. i am not worried. i know that i am raising my child in the right way, however devoid of "christian values". i am also able to protect him the way i had protected my dolls. he would in time face his own adversities and meet frustrations, not of my making, but i know he would be able to transcend.

the nicest gift i got on my birthday was a card he chose himself and bought with his own money. the card said, "of all the mommies and kids in the world, i'm glad we ended up together." having read that, i didn't need to be told how a good mother i have become. my son has said it all.