first time
went to my first counselling session yesterday. it takes an average of one hour per, mine took longer. ewan kung nakulitan yung counsellor but i saved her around 10 minutes for the "establishing rapport" part.
it was easy and light session. i prepared a hanky for i had expected to cry a river, pero konting iyak lang naman pala ang gagawin ko and it was towards the end of the session na. mas naiyak siguro yung counsellor sa tagal ng aming pag-uusap at kakukulit na i need to establish my goal in the counselling. la daw syang makitang problema sakin and she's at a loss how exactly she could make the counselling work for me. but i admitted to her naman that 5 minutes before the session i was still asking myself what my goal was.
so what did the first counselling accomplish? i found a word for the the defense mechanism i used in handling my molestation problem. it's called dissociation. kaya daw naging blurry na yung picture nung taong nag-molest sakin is because in order to cope i attempted to depart from reality that it did happen. normal daw yon to victims of sexual abuse. aside from that, malinaw na din sakin (actually dati ko pa alam) romel's reaction towards my display of emotions when he attempted to help me talk about the abuse. and she recognized that romel has indeed helped me. well, i knew that already.
she knew that i had written about it and posted it in my blog and read by people i know. okay daw yon. that was brave of me daw. that's when she started asking what exactly my problem was about the molestation. she said i was already on the healing process. the shame is no longer there. i was even able to narrate to her without flinching the details as i recalled it. though i still had lapses in my memory but she got a fairly good picture of how it happened.
she also asked about my kid. so kai, according to her appraisal need not go to counselling as i had planned it because of his resilience. she also thought that romel and i handled kai maturely and responsibly. it helps that kai and romel have established good relation.
so again, what was my goal daw. ahhh, anger management? she smiled and said, "hmm, ok good try...keep trying" ( hehe to that). i tried "healing". ano daw gusto ko ma-heal pa. so she made bilin that i have to define what 'healing' means for me. i asked if "healing" would require me to confront the person who abused me, she said it's not necessary. good enough for me.
she said again i'm already on the right path and i might not need her after all. but i do need her. i need her to tell me i'm okay. and she did that. she said i know exactly my problems, what's bothering me and how to handle my problems.
and oo nga pala, right after the session my good friend, malou, who accompanied me asked how was the session and i said it went well for me. it helped that my disciplinary background is psychology kaya di masyado problemado sa mga terminologies na ginamit. and surprisingly, as we walked to cantina at katipunan i had related to her those nights when i was molested in more detailed manner and again without flinching, without shame, without fear of revisiting the past. and again today i shared with yhen how the counselling went and this time, it was the full account...i had actually recalled everything. and i was happy.
at si kai, he was so sweet last night. he was so supportive, he was so unlike the stubborn kid he was last week. when i got home (and it was late) he was there patiently waiting for me unlike last week na kailangan ko pa sunduin sa computer shop. he kissed and embraced me over and over telling me he loves me. yun nga lang, for two nights now he refuses to go to bed alone. that's two nights after he learned that he's just lost another father.
but everything's gonna be alright. i know.
it was easy and light session. i prepared a hanky for i had expected to cry a river, pero konting iyak lang naman pala ang gagawin ko and it was towards the end of the session na. mas naiyak siguro yung counsellor sa tagal ng aming pag-uusap at kakukulit na i need to establish my goal in the counselling. la daw syang makitang problema sakin and she's at a loss how exactly she could make the counselling work for me. but i admitted to her naman that 5 minutes before the session i was still asking myself what my goal was.
so what did the first counselling accomplish? i found a word for the the defense mechanism i used in handling my molestation problem. it's called dissociation. kaya daw naging blurry na yung picture nung taong nag-molest sakin is because in order to cope i attempted to depart from reality that it did happen. normal daw yon to victims of sexual abuse. aside from that, malinaw na din sakin (actually dati ko pa alam) romel's reaction towards my display of emotions when he attempted to help me talk about the abuse. and she recognized that romel has indeed helped me. well, i knew that already.
she knew that i had written about it and posted it in my blog and read by people i know. okay daw yon. that was brave of me daw. that's when she started asking what exactly my problem was about the molestation. she said i was already on the healing process. the shame is no longer there. i was even able to narrate to her without flinching the details as i recalled it. though i still had lapses in my memory but she got a fairly good picture of how it happened.
she also asked about my kid. so kai, according to her appraisal need not go to counselling as i had planned it because of his resilience. she also thought that romel and i handled kai maturely and responsibly. it helps that kai and romel have established good relation.
so again, what was my goal daw. ahhh, anger management? she smiled and said, "hmm, ok good try...keep trying" ( hehe to that). i tried "healing". ano daw gusto ko ma-heal pa. so she made bilin that i have to define what 'healing' means for me. i asked if "healing" would require me to confront the person who abused me, she said it's not necessary. good enough for me.
she said again i'm already on the right path and i might not need her after all. but i do need her. i need her to tell me i'm okay. and she did that. she said i know exactly my problems, what's bothering me and how to handle my problems.
and oo nga pala, right after the session my good friend, malou, who accompanied me asked how was the session and i said it went well for me. it helped that my disciplinary background is psychology kaya di masyado problemado sa mga terminologies na ginamit. and surprisingly, as we walked to cantina at katipunan i had related to her those nights when i was molested in more detailed manner and again without flinching, without shame, without fear of revisiting the past. and again today i shared with yhen how the counselling went and this time, it was the full account...i had actually recalled everything. and i was happy.
at si kai, he was so sweet last night. he was so supportive, he was so unlike the stubborn kid he was last week. when i got home (and it was late) he was there patiently waiting for me unlike last week na kailangan ko pa sunduin sa computer shop. he kissed and embraced me over and over telling me he loves me. yun nga lang, for two nights now he refuses to go to bed alone. that's two nights after he learned that he's just lost another father.
but everything's gonna be alright. i know.
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